My Own Small Voice

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"It's just a little voice and if you're listening, sometimes a little voice can say the biggest things." 

- Sara Bareilles 

Sometimes, it is really hard for me to know what it is I truly want. 

I am filled with the idealism of youth, the insatiable, almost heartbreakingly beautiful need to right the wrongs of an irrevocably evil world. To end the evils that pervade this society- to make a difference. I strive for change, inconstant and transient as that is. Change terrifies me, yet I need it to live. I know that it cannot be me that creates the good change in this world. It can only be God. I alone am foolishly idealistic and burdened with an incomplete understanding of reality. That is, I suffer from the disease called humanity. But I can be a vessel. I do believe that. I believe that in spite of my own weakness, I am useful to the Creator, so long as I give myself entirely to Him. Let this be my prayer: to commit my thoughts, actions, direction, and love to God, that He might do a good work in and through me. 

I think that my words, expressed on a page or in a song, are what allow me to understand myself. I write so that I can read what I have written. I write to make sense of the spiderweb in my brain. As Plato says, in Timaeus, "...a man should both lead and be lead by himself in order to have the best prospects for leading a rational life." (89, d) We discussed this concept in a discussion this morning- talking about how a man must be self governed, and one idea that was proposed that I found interesting was the idea that through writing, a man could understand himself, and in reading what it is he has written, he is able to listen to himself. It is that way with me. 

These thoughts have been swirling in my head for a long time. There is chaos in my head. I think it hurts so deeply to see the pain in our world and to feel completely disabled from reaching out and helping. There is so much stupidity, so much anger, hurt, so many poor choices- and all of it is entirely out of my control. All I can do, and what I try to do, is to have faith, to love others, and to seek God.  

11/3/2020


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