And End, A Beginning, and a Confusing Between

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 I wish I understood God's plan. I also wish that my emotions could be consistent and make sense. If only things could go as they should, if only there were not difficult impediments in the way of what would otherwise be wonderful things. I really deeply miss my long distance friends. They were, after all, the friends of my youth. I grew with them, day by day, moment by moment, conversation by conversation. I laughed with them, learned with them, deepened my faith in God with them there by my side. It is, I suppose, only natural that I should miss them. Yet why must I miss them? 

A little aching part in me longs to scream out the question of "why" into an inevitable plainness. A part of me whispers, why pain? Why change? Why sorrow? Why not joy, and peace, and happiness all the time? And the realistic part, fed by the monotonous voice of the crowd, says "because, you foolish child, this is life. You cannot change life." "I do not want to listen to that voice!" The first voice cries. "I want love! I want friendship! I want to understand- to grow, yet be content! I want to think and not be afraid. I want to laugh without pain biting the back of my throat. I want joy and peace!" If only the first little voice understood. If only my mind was in accordance with itself. 

I know that God can bring joy and peace, in his timing and according to his will. And yet, this is also life, and life is hard. God did not put us on this earth for life to be easy. No. He put us on this earth to glorify him and seek him constantly. This earth is full of pain and heartache, and we must bear it as best we can. He allows this, that our hope might be in Him alone. I want and need to choose God, regardless of the crowd.  I need to choose him and allow life to be as it will. There is no immediate sense in longing for life to be what it is not. And yet, is it so very bad? Of that I am not sure. If only everyone I love could be with me, that I might not miss them so terribly. Oh, what strange things emotions are.

The end of my first semester draws near, and my heart is free, yet sorrowful. I shall begin again in Spring. New books, new thoughts. Familiar faces, smiles. New moments, new experiences. But right now, I am caught in between. My heart desires connection, and that Princess Bride ideal of true love, but I want it in God's timing, and I am not going to try and force it. So I am in the in between. A good end to a good semester, a bright Spring to look forward to. A time to rest over the break... but also, emotions to deal with, confusion to process. Pain to heal from. Thoughts to ponder, friends to miss. Ah, tis as tis. 

Houston Afternoon Sky, November



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