The Best Five Years

"May I know you, who know me... This is my hope, and that is why I speak. In this hope I am placing my delight when my delight is in what it ought to be ( Confessions , Book X, i(1))" - St. Augustine I have questions, yet I do not know who to ask, how to ask, or what answers could suffice to solve my questions. So, I shall write them here and give them to God. It is to God that I give all the people, things, and worries in my life. God, yours is the glory, and your will be done in my life and with the people I love.  Give me the steadiness that I lack in my thoughts and my day-to-day life and fill my restless soul with your peace. Help me to listen to the words of others more mature than I, and grant that I might be able to emulate their good behavior and in so doing grow my own character. I wish to be like you, abiding in you, and loving you with all my being. I know that their perception of my life from their perspective will offer me light and understanding. Let this guide...

"How lucky I am having something that makes saying goodbye so hard." -Winnie The Pooh I had lived there so long that I no longer had an answer as to whether the river walk was drab or beautiful, because to me, it was home. It was familiar.  I walked along, kicking a pebble off the road, and looking out over the Columbia river, rushing. Always rushing. The clouds were swiftly changing and to the right of my horizon, grey skies were creeping in. And I knew, this time, that it really was the end. No more maybe's, no more unfulfilled plans. We had already arranged for a moving van, and the boxes were beginning to assemble, scattered with treasures of the last ten years of my life. The only ten years I could hold on to.  Then I thought of them. The warm nights of fellowship, the hikes, and the soft mornings with freshly brewed coffee and donuts. I thought of the memories I would cherish, and the friends I would leave. Faces animated, each with its own unique and irreplaceable ...

I think by the time I actually finish this it will have been a semester in the making. I have so many thoughts about it, I just cannot formulate them all at once.  This part: 2/21 Patterns, patterns. This past week has made me miss them. We had power outages and loss of water all over where I live, and all of my classes were cancelled. I was fortunate that things did not become too much of a tragedy for me, but it is difficult to watch as others are really struggling with how things hit this week. It was all because we had a few nights below freezing and some snow. Now, there is a lot of aftermath--mostly burst pipes and things like that. Almost all of my roommates and I decided to stay at our dorm through it and tough it out. It wasn't that bad, and it was even fun and exciting in some ways. We had a lot of good conversations, and everyone wandered around wrapped in blankets and huddled together to keep warm. I never thought I could want a shower or a hot cup of coffee, or even ju...

 "Never wanted love, just a fancy car." I have been singing the song, Cowboy Like Me , by Taylor Swift, quite a lot recently. I have found Taylor's latest album, "Evermore," to be filled with good and beautiful songs, and I really especially like Cowboy Like Me . Now the question is, "Why? Since when did I have any appreciation for Taylor's music, of all the music that there is?" I really don't know. I like the melody, I like the Western references, and I like the idea of a love that is not desired, but remains inescapable. This concept of love being a force too strong to reckon with is powerful and beautiful to me. I also like the imagery in the lyrics. I also have a lovely roommate, Abigail, who loves Taylor's music, and being able to discuss the lyrical depths in Taylor's music with her is fascinating to me.  Music is a funny thing for me. Today someone in class asked me whether I liked country music. I answered, "No, as a gener...

I think that as much as I knew the fact, I still underestimated the absolute joy of being back on campus and back into the flow of things as the semester sets in. Although there is often stress, just the joy of being able to do something and have it be something I am wholeheartedly passionate about fulfills me. There is something very sweet about life in the dorms, and I want to enjoy it to the fullest while I have the opportunity. My roommate Abigail and I were just talking about this last night how it was like that part of Anne of the Island where the young girls at college all lived together in their quirky little house. I love that aspect of this part of my life, because it is communal and sweet.  As a music major, I spend quite a bit of my time seated in front of a piano bench, staring at the black and white keys. I wish I could get in the zone of playing my instrument by just sitting down. That would make my life easier. Instead, usually the minute I sit and begin to play, my...

I think I'll just make a few observations about what I've learned recently. There is a challenge I face where I say things and then I cannot stop thinking about them, and overthinking what I should have said instead. There is virtue in moving on after saying words and not dwelling on what might have been said, but there is an even greater virtue in being oh, so careful about being intentional with your words in the first place.  I think this is the same with relationships. I want to be intentional with the people I care about. Intentional in the actions I take, the clear communication I value, and the way I treat my friends. I think there is a time and a place for joking, for being giddy, but I also think it is important to keep a firm hold on my emotions, my heart, my thoughts, and my tongue. All these can get out of hand and destroy so many things in such terrible ways. I don't know what else to write, at present, other than saying that these are things that are very impo...

 I wish I understood God's plan. I also wish that my emotions could be consistent and make sense. If only things could go as they should, if only there were not difficult impediments in the way of what would otherwise be wonderful things. I really deeply miss my long distance friends. They were, after all, the friends of my youth. I grew with them, day by day, moment by moment, conversation by conversation. I laughed with them, learned with them, deepened my faith in God with them there by my side. It is, I suppose, only natural that I should miss them. Yet why must I miss them?  A little aching part in me longs to scream out the question of "why" into an inevitable plainness. A part of me whispers, why pain? Why change? Why sorrow? Why not joy, and peace, and happiness all the time? And the realistic part, fed by the monotonous voice of the crowd, says "because, you foolish child, this is life. You cannot change life." "I do not want to listen to that voic...